Posted by: Paul | April 6, 2010

Cue month of tedium

Today, the Prime Minister will ask the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament and call a general election for exactly one month’s time, May 6th. I kind of wish Parliament would dissolve entirely, into a large puddle of goo on the floor. If that happened live I would stay up all night to watch it. I’m not likely to do that with the conventional method.

It feels like it’s been more than a month already, with the fact that the press have been predicting exactly this scenario since before Christmas, as it’s the latest Brown could possibly leave it before calling the election. The last act of a desperate man, trying desperately to cling onto ‘power’ for as long as he possibly can. Why so reluctant, Gordon? Too attached to the soft furnishings in the flat above Number 11?

So let’s have a quick run down of the runners and riders in the Great Election Race 2010. (I thought this morning ‘wouldn’t it be fun if it was ACTUALLY a race? And the first person to make it from, say, John O’Groats to 10 Downing Street on foot, unassisted, got to run the country? It’s as good a qualification as any.)

Incumbents – LABOUR
Well, it’s not looking good for Golden Gordon, is it? Presiding over the deepest recession for 70 years, Health Service in crisis (as always), Education in crisis (as always), forces embroiled in deeply unpopular overseas conflicts (as, well, always in the last 9 years), strikes being called left, right and centre. Remind you of anyone? This Labour government looks an awful lot like a Conservative one.

Opposition – CONSERVATIVE
Guy Smiley in a blue suit, David Cameron talks a good game. His latest phrase is ‘the great ignored’. By which he means YOU, Dear Reader. Whoever you are. Because he really doesn’t know. The Tories have spent the last few months swanning about like it was all a done deal. Sam Cameron has been down to Paul Simon to order the blue velvet curtains. George Osborne just pulled loads of figures from out of his backside because it was clear he wasn’t going to have to do any ‘actual’ sums in order to be voted in. Not looking so clever now are you, Georgie boy? Perhaps you should get your calculator out and scribble a few things on the back of an envelope, quick, in case anyone asks you where the ten billion you’re going to pour into defecit cuts is going to come from – oh, too late.

The Third Way – LIB DEMS
Full of right-thinking, tolerant, good natured, well meaning people with good ideas, the Lib Dems have absolutely no experience whatsoever at government level. Voting for them is a gamble. It’s a bit like asking your favourite dog to drive you to the shops.

RESULT – HUNG PARLIAMENT. Which in itself will be interesting from a purely vicarious point of view – never had a hung Parliament in my lifetime so am quite keen in one respect to see what might happen. And absolutely terrified in another – they all spend so much time fighting that there’s always the worry that none of them will ever be able to agree on anything again. And while they’re all fighting about what to do, we go on living our lives as usual, and keep the country ticking over. Oh, wait, that sounds familiar…

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